My Death Dream

Journal Entry from September 16, 2007:

I awakened this morning from a beautifully intense and meaningful dream.

In my dream, I was driving a car on a beautiful journey, by myself…green and golden fields and blue turquoise sky…Suddenly the car veered off course and I realized that I was no longer in control of the care as it soared above the fields, heading toward some other destination. There was concern but almost not really fear as the car headed toward where it would go. I was aware of the destination. It would be water. I knew what I was going to have to do once the car would hit the water. I was prepared. Then I knew that the water was coming soon. I “saw” it, and then a voice was somewhere “talking” me through the whole experience. Gently the car fell. The car quickly started to submerge and be overcome by water. I was alert and watchful, quickly taking my hand to the power window button to open the window as the car submerged. The window smoothly opened. The depths of the water were surrounding me and enveloping me but I glided out of the window and began trying to swim to the surface of the water, in control of my breathing, preserving my air for the journey to the surface of the water. That was my goal. I used my arms to create the momentum I needed to get to the surface and I made some progress to that end. But soon I was not able to muster enough lasting breath and I started losing my strength to make the continuing trek to the surface. I then let go…let go of my control of my breath, and of my journey. I had a sense of knowing that I had consciously, and like never before, DIED. I had let myself DIE. Suddenly there was some slight degree of panic, agitation, loss. It was the “what do I do” feeling, thoughts of my parents and how they would feel with the loss of a child. This thought hurt me. Then there was this vivid presence in the dream, asking me what is the hardest part of this dream to which I responded in a tearful and deeply emotionally felt way, “leaving things undone for those that I love.” Then the presence asks me calmly again, “what else?” To which I struggle to answer through my deep sobbing and my tears, but suddenly I find myself able to say with an inarticulate yet solid strength and all knowing sense, “there is the most vivid clarity and beauty unlike anything I have ever known.” I say these words as I find myself gaining strength, restoration and evenness of my breath. I look out onto the beautiful landscape before me..tall majestic mountains and breathtaking sky with all its color, with a crispness of vision that practically takes my breath away again. The vista is so so beautiful and clear and sharp that words cannot describe. I breathe this all in. I know deeply that this is the lesson. I have died a death but what remains is always a vast indescribable beauty of life and death intertwined. Life and death felt like one in the same in my dream. I was moved beyond compare. Hugely moved, hugely centered. A divine lesson.